The Womanabri Code

This was just one online battles that was fought between a chat friend and me... Gave me an idea of writing down the 'insightful' things that I got to learn from lots of friends around me... So here goes... this will be updated as the time/people give me more to write about:


Women 101: Rule 1: God is a woman. Hence there's a chance of forgiveness for your sins... if God was man... he'd just forget it!

Women 101: Rule 21: Silence... the most abrasive material in her arsenal

Women 101: Rule 31: Money is never an issue except inside the GAP store, right in front of the top that beats the one her neighbor bought yesterday

Women 101: Rule 32: Women are invulnerable. Except when you have a deadline to beat and the last thing, you have time for, is to reassure them.

Women 101: Rule 33: Nothing: The most dangerous word in a woman's dictionary which means everything else but "Nothing"!

Women 101: Rule 34: Even if the garage door was not open when she tried to put the car into the garage, it still is your fault!

Women 101: Rule 35: Men have vices that need to be rectified. Women just have virtues with scope for improvement, less often than not.

Women 101: Rule 41: Every compliment has a negative connotation!

Women 101: Rule 51: "Sorry" and "Please" are expected as punctuation marks in a man's vocabulary

Women 101: Rule 52: Their tears... the most powerful force known to mankind

Women 101: Rule 53: Never praise one specimen's cooking in front of another.

Women 101: Rule 54: They think they are a deep mystery... Actually it is just bad programming…

Gets better...

Less than 1.5 months to create 22 quotes... that's pretty good...
Here's the 10 unrelated ones...

God created man... Then he created woman... after that they could never stop debugging the code…

Good times don't last. Neither do good people.

I never claim that I am the good guy. I know that I am just different.

If artificial means man-made, then isn't every man artificial?

Law of Averages states that if you have had a good morning, the rest of the day will be crappy.

Life is a democracy. Not everyone, who gets elected, is the right choice.

They say love is blind and then they expect you to fall in love at first sight?

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus... and they should never have come to Earth!

Never mess with a man holding a knife. Especially if he's your surgeon!

People battered by life tend to become better or bitter. The latter more often than not.

The longest yard yet...

Almost two months for 10 more lines... this is getting really bad.

I err, I fail, I fall behind... Maybe it is alright... In the end, we all cross the finish line.

Life's not a bed of roses. It is more like..."here's the soil, here's the showel and here are the seeds... now get working!"

Life.... shouldnt be rocket science!

Dream big, achieve bigger, settle for only the biggest!

Epiphanies are God's way of playing shrink with you!

I'll have Life... Shaken not stirred!

The destination is gonna be pretty disappointing... so make the most of the journey!

There is no such thing as a soulmate. It is just a marketing gimmick.

Things always go your way... it's just that at times they go faster than you!

The sun is always rising somewhere in the world... that means there is some lousy bum hammering the snooze button on his alarm clock right now...

Writer's block

That's what I've been going thru... With nothing worthwhile penned for almost 2 months... this is the longest it has been... Here's the latest 10... (last one is not original)

I always thought that there was something out there trying to get me... They just found a name for it... It is called delusion

I was having a good day till the 'd' dropped out of it!

I start every day with a ‘g’ and a ‘d’, but it takes you to make it a good day!

Living life in the "what else" clause...

An eye in the land of the blind is a disease

Ever felt for a mayfly born on a rainy day? No? Then you just experienced what God feels about you.

Life hits at 3600 secs/hour and not one gets away alive!

The brain is smart... by calling it 'matters of the heart'... it absolves itself of all the mess it creates...

Life in all its glory is just simulated reality

I am on a see-food diet these days... I see food and I eat it - Anon

Another one on Senseless Adsense...

Here's one that should make you think that someone out there has gone loco!

I was tinkering around with the results and noticed that the ad-bar would always say that the very thing, I was looking for, was available on eBay. So I started thinking... what else I could look for... ( "boss whipper", "work eraser", "brains", "soul" etc etc... seemed to naive...) I wanted something big... something like ... WMD!

So I put the phrase in... twiddled my thumbs... lo and behold! eBay has it!!!

Just to see if they stood true to their promise... I decided to click the link...

and OMG!!!

eBay has 19 results!!!

Looks like the world is going to hell in an e-shopping basket!!!

Hope you had a good laugh too...

Context sensitive?

Here's when the contextual sensitivity of our advertisers goes over the board...

I never heard of Ruskin Bond doing any jail time... [:)]
and I do know what Jail bonds are...

The dirty dozen...

Why? Coz there are twelve of them this time...

Did you ever notice that when you are out with a pretty friend who is just a friend all you see around you are couples? It is like sitting in at a crowded bar and God, the bartender hands you a glass of milk!

Man, you are so dumb that you should do evolution a favor and desist!

Going by your gut's feeling is dangerous... That's the one that makes all the shit!

Clumsiness: A temporary state of behaviour induced by beautiful human objects at close proximity.
Corollary definition: Beauty: State of existence of certain humans (read feminine), the degree of which is directly proportional to the clumsiness of other humans around.

Incompetence: The general state of the world when you are having a really bad day.

The world is your oyster… Kinda sucks when you are allergic to shellfish.

I have a slim waist... it's just hiding behind the spare one I've got around it!

To know your shortcomings is knowledge... to live with them, is wisdom

Fear a man with no reason... for it is reason that spawns the fear of loss... absence of fear means there is nothing to lose... and a man with nothing to lose is the most dangerous of them all...

Someone once said that asking an author about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about a dog... But given the satisfaction of showering a well-meaning lamppost, make me a dog... er.. critic anyday!

Shakespeare said, "The journey ends when lovers meet"... it is then that you suddenly realize that your luggage got sent somewhere else and that you took the wrong train!

I am addicted to change… Can’t you see I am already getting the withdrawal symptoms!

Funny?

Just the other day I saw the most voluptious babe around wearing a really nice tee with a message on it... Trust me, I am a sucker for words. If I see something written somewhere, I want to read it. I need to know what is it. Even if it is an instruction on shampoo bottle or the handle on an aircraft door...
btw... Just the other day, I was trying to figure out why they had a huge red arrow saying "Turn this way" and I was attacked and pinned down by a dozen people because they thought I was planning to depressurize the plane... kinda didnt make sense... because I was on the right plane, not part of any 'organization' and... the plane WAS SITTING ON THE TARMAC!
Anyways... I read... not act upon it... How many of you have read the instructions on the shampoo bottle saying "Apply and leave on for few minutes" and then stood in the shower like a clown counting minutes? Even if that message on the tee had read, "Squeeze me", I wouldn't have done that... Its like reading it and then looking for something more to read. Anyways... the message said, "The eyes are up there"
I felt cheated... it was irritating entrapment... I am sure I wouldn't have been staring at her assets if they didn't have that stupid message striped across them... I was so outraged that I felt like sueing the wearer of the tee! Doesn't that qualify as solicitation?
Then it got crazier...
I actually worked my gaze off that message as if heeding to it and looked at her eyes... As if adding insult to my indignation, this lady was actually staring at my head...
Ok, I accept... I have a genetic disposition for evolving... To those unfamiliar to this theory, I am talking about bald people. I don't know why it is called a genetic disorder... We are told that man evolved from apes or similar animals... now look at them... all hairy... and then look at us... loss of hair is an evolutionary trait, NOT A GENETIC DISORDER!
We even have a whole industry dedicated to mimic this evolutionary trait...
I am talking about the 'painful' process of hair removal. Whenever I see one of those models or gal with really smooth hands and legs... I hear a silent scream... I believe the ladies got to be downright insane or really desperate to do that. When Mel Gibson jumps around crazy, in 'What Women Want', after pulling that waxing patch off his leg, I was sure he was in pain... The bigger rip-offs are those nice advertisements about epilators... You see that really hot babe running this innocent looking device over her smooth legs... kind of tempting and pretty simple
thing. But then I had a close encounter with one of these gadgets in a minimart.
I was looking at some keychains hung very next to the beauty aisle and the assistant was explaining how to operate this epilator... Out of curiosity, I was no longer browsing for keychains and was descretly observing these belles struggle with gadget.
Finally they managed to turned it and believe me, this is for all the guys who have not seen an epilator in action, it was like turning on a lawnmover. My eyeballs wanted to come out of their sockets and cover my ears. I almost blurted out, "You
gonna run this over your person? You rather go run under a lawnmover" Guys, if you are going out with someone or already married, and you run your hand over her smooth skin, go get her an extra gift... She's gone through that torture you wouldn't even imagine going through yourself... If you disagree, just try pulling out one of your nose-hairs with your fingers and you will know what I mean.
Alright, back to this babe who was 'ogling' at my evolutionary desposition that is starting to really look good.
It is almost strange. I dont know why people find the balding head as interesting as a beautiful babe's assets... and every now and then you have a weirdo who wants to inspect either manually... IS THAT REAL?
No it is not, I just called my barber a loser while he was giving me a haircut. Give me a break!
I was not very irritated with people who stare at my balding pate. They almost stare it like a child seeing a supermarket Santa for the first time. Or like an extraterrestial researcher bumping into an alien. There's this glint in their eyes which almost is like a question, "Can I touch it?" I was still miffed at the stupid tee message and I wanted to retort back. And I broke the golden rule to check for overzealous boyfriend before messing with a babe... So the last thing that I remember saying before I saw something moving fast and which I later learnt was her boyfriend's oversized fist moving towards me, was,
"Hello... I am down here..."

The closet full of skeletons...

Life’s a closet full of skeletons. Just today I was digging through some documents to find a rebate form and this scrap of paper fell out. It was something that I had penned down a long time ago when the pastures over my head were lush and my heart had an occupant. I was wondering if these were noted from other sources (read plagiarized if I were to put them up here) and so I honestly googled for every single one of them. Not one turned up. Hence assuming that these are original…here they are…

My contribution to humanity? A lot of crap and this quotation!

I don’t know why people talk to me. Given an option I wouldn’t

I like quotations that are funny and humorous. The rest I can write myself anyday.

I know what Java is. I had it for breakfast once.

Disbelievers, by way of distraction, prevent religious believers from clubbing in each others’ heads.

It is not that I never met a girl to fall for. It is just that I never met a girl dumb enough to fall for me!

Save Petrol! So that someone else can waste it!

Only difference between a restaurant and a marriage is that you can’t say, “ I’ll have what he’s having!” in marriage.

Strong disagreement usually springs from inner agreement to the disagreeable opinion

Is it worth dying for? I don’t know. I have never died for anything before.

Why do people cheer at a lame man trying to run while they laugh at a fat man trying the same?

The most powerful people of their time? Historians, because they write the history.

I would admire your guts. Especially if they were laid out on an autopsy table.

Life is a funny bumper sticker on a car which you are too busy trying to overtake.

Humanity is too messed up an operation to be attributed to the divine entity called God.

I don’t mind you not laughing at my jokes. You need to have a level of IQ for that.

Another update... 10-Mar-07

Love is like Vindaloo curry. It takes the roof of your mouth off, it makes you cry in the morning. But when you see it on the other table in the evening, you say, “God I really miss curry!” -- This one is credited to the soap Dr. House MD... rest are original

I don’t need tears to cry because my tears are not for you to see.

The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do... Damn it people!!! Say that I can't do something!

Ideas are like shit... The noisiest splatters are easy to come by... but the real stinkers are the hardest and most painful to push out!

People don't like me and I don't like people... It is a pretty mutual understanding

Life's a box of chocolates... sometimes someone has already eaten through it...

Life's a well-written play... damn... someone forgot to send me my script...

Some more quotes

I ain't fat, I just burn food more efficiently!

Love me when I deserve the least for that is when I need it the most!

I don't despise vegetarians. Apart from not wanting my chicken biscuit, I've heard they make a good crunchy snack!

People often refer to knowing things like the back of their hand. Can anyone tell me how many hairs do they have on the third finger?

The mind unfettered by the chains of destiny that bind the body soars to the sky.
It is free and hence the feels not the bondage the chains provide.
But when it is not free, it still does not feel the shackles since it is dead already.

I avoid judging people. To weigh them against some utopian measure of virtue or quality is being unfair not to them but to oneself. The true judgment of a man is that he does not judge people but accepts them as they are. For in this acceptance of his, he has truly measured up to being human as he can be.

Relationships are like a house of cards. The bigger you build the easier it is for a zephyr to turn it to shambles.

On Life...

Life is a reality show without the $1M prize at the end

Life sucks… and it thinks I am the popsicle!

Life is like a bumper sticker... You chase the car down 10 blocks to read it and find it was not worth it!

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was to grow up. Now I try in vain to be the kid I could have been.

Have you ever walked into a wall... Which was moving towards you? With a purpose and at 50mph? Have you? Well... neither have I, coz where I come from, they have speed-limits for walls with a purpose!