Than loose it!

There are people who have pet peeves about English grammar. There are people who are peeved by the desecration of English grammar by people. And there are others who are vexed by the English language itself. Then there is me. I am a non-native English speaker and refer to it as my father tongue. Unlike the native speakers, especially those who are less tolerant to others, I understand that this language can be hard to deal with. Though wait till you see French. But this is not about French. This is about English and my specific peeve related to it.

I find it easy to let people off the hook for mistakes related to tense. Ask the Chinese. Their concept of tense and time in language is very different. So when they are translating a thought in their mind to convey it to you in English, they might just falter with the tense. This is pardonable easily and necessarily. They are quick learners.

In the same vein, mistakes in construction of sentences or punctuation, is pardonable. That is only as long as the meaning is not changed to something incomprehensible or hilarious. “Eats, shoots and leaves” over “Eats shoots and leaves” provides comic respite instead of being a source of irritation.

The queerness of the language and the queerness of people trying to use it can be an endless source of entertainment. As a challenge, I would rather take it upon myself to understand the intended message instead of trying to throw off a speaker by ridiculing him for incorrect usage.

So then, what is it that rankles me when it comes to English language? It is these four words: Than, then, lose, loose and all the associated use or should I say rather misuse associated with them. I don’t really know the history of origin of these four words, but whoever chose to give them a. similar sounds, b. similar spellings; is in my opinion the biggest moron of all time. And these happen to be used the wrong way around 9 out of 10 times they are used.

Nothing takes the edge off a message than the line, “If he can do it, than you can too.” (No I can’t because you and he are morons!). And then there’s the other one, “Than we realized our mistake.” (No you didn’t, you just made another). Even veterans tend to make this mistake then what can I say about the other not so fortunate ones?

I’d say that if I had a penny for every time I ended up losing my temper over the misused ‘loose’ I wouldn’t have to worry about having a job. A friend once wrote to me, “I think I am loosing her.” (Good for her, I wish you’d lose my email address too) Maybe I should loosen up a bit on someone asking me, “Should I carry some lose change?” (I don’t know. Can you carry something that’s already lost?)

Call it an esoteric allergy, like one to male cockroaches that gives you a nasty rash on the bum. But the misuse of these words is ever so prevalent like male cockroaches. And I hate rashes on my bum. To add to this, there are the consistent offenders who despite being corrected, continue to use the wrong ones in the same conversation. This makes them bigger morons than the person who made these words similar sounding. Alas, only the Queen of Hearts can scream, “Off with their heads” and have it seen to effect.

In conclusion, it is only fair to mention a trick for remembering the correct usage. Years ago Readers’ Digest put to rest any confusion that could arise around the two similar words, ‘stationary’ and ‘stationery’ by a simple trick. The ‘a’ in stationary stood for ‘action’. And hence, the pencil, ruler, clips had nothing to do with it. They would all be the loyal followers of stationery. In a similar way, here’s something to remember:

The extra ‘o’ in loose is the excess that makes your pants loose. With extra ‘o’ lost, you have no more ‘o’s to lose.

The ‘e’ in ‘then’ stands for ‘event’ and hence subsequently something else happens. The ‘a’ in ‘than’ stands for ‘another’ without which there can be no comparison.

Hope you have this memorized and tucked away in a handy corner of your brain. And if you happen to have any other misnomers about the usage of these four words, than please loose them right away! ;)

The first 10 for 2010

Being your own doctor is about knowing when to self-medicate on alcohol.

Fashion is not about beauty. It is about ugliness. For beautiful is perfect and doesn't need to be changed. Fashion on the other hand, needs to be changed every now and then.

I know the horizon is not real. Yet I chase it so that one day I'll be able to run fast enough to get past it!

I won't ask why it rains on me though I do want to know where I can find my umbrella.

It's unbelievable as to how people hope that the new year is going to be wonderful and great whilst they have just seen its predecessor beat all records of crappiness.

Never say no to an offer that will never be made!

Relationships are easy. Just like 5th grade maths. The only problem is that most of us aren't past the 2nd grade.

The easiest way to a man's heart is through is stomach because it is ridiculously hard to cut through the ribcage!

The trick behind being intelligent is about knowing when to be stupid.

Going beyond the obvious at times just requires a good look at the obvious itself.

The new 10

These ones are here because someone pinged me and reminded me that I had not posted new ones for quite a while. So with a thanks to the follower, here goes:

If you want to run away from everything, then you gotta run towards nothing!

Adversity is God's way of telling you that having something is not a right but only an earned privilege.

Does someone continually pin-pricked by grief deserve it any more than someone shot point blank by it?

Evil thoughts need no welcome mats, good ones though demand a red carpet!

Give me the courage to speak up when speaking matters the most, the smartness to shut up when silence is what matters, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

If you are only as smart as the company you keep, then would it make Einstein dumber or his peers smarter?

Love is like a living velociraptor: despite your movie-fueled lifelong neurotic obsession, unlikely to be found in your environment even if you are at the Disney World's Jurassic Park ride.

There is always a great year ahead of you, just that it shifts ahead by a day everyday!

What do you do when you know that doing something is not going to make you happy and yet not doing it is also not going to make you happy.

When you think, "Am I the only one?" there are at least 1 billion people thinking just the same as you... creepily at the very same moment! http://www.xkcd.com/610/

50 kilos of Life

How much does one’s soul weigh? And since without the soul, there is no life, consequently how much does one’s life weigh? If MacDougall is to be believed for his work in 1907, it is 21 grams. The airline companies have a more definitive answer. It is 50 kilos if you are traveling economy class across the Atlantic. It is more if you are traveling business or first class. Since I am not someone born with a silver spoon in his mouth, it’s the 50 kilos that matter.

For the first 20 odd years of my life, I stayed in my home town. Travel outside to other cities was limited to short trips, with a definite return date not so far into the future. Then, I started on my first job. Ever since then, I’ve practically lived out of my suitcases. So after nearly five years now, I look back and wonder at the way this has defined my life. I have been to places, lived for considerably long durations in 4 cities and seen another 40 or so. And each time I moved for good, there always has been this dilemma about what to carry on and what not to.

Moving from one city to another takes its toll on certain individuals. Especially me. There are some I’ve seen, who don’t really seem to be affected by it at all. While I would agonize in a Shakespearean ‘to or not to’ take a certain item along, these people are packed and ready in a backpack not even 10 kg in weight. These are the people I envy, and yet I have never been able to get them to divulge their secret of their life, er, packing. For them, life weighs as much as a small backpack can fit in it. They are, what I call, birds. Light, free from the baggage of life that I tend to collect so easily. But this is not about them.

For the less fortunate souls like me, the 50 kilos, so grudgingly allowed by the airlines, is not enough to hold everything that I need. And I don’t even get started on what I want to take along. In each city I’ve spent long enough, there is with someone, tied only by the fact that this someone knew me, a potted plant which once adorned the window in the room I stayed in. Then there’s this chest-drawer full of small odds and ends lying in the place I started out from. Its material value is probably nothing. But with each of those small things is a memory associated. Maybe the memory is something trivial in the grand scale of things, but profoundly touching enough to make me hold on to it for this long. And yet when I set out to travel to a new city, that chest-drawer is the last place I look for stuff. Over time, I’ve noticed that it is not just that chest-drawer back home. In each place, I’ve called home long enough; I’ve managed to collect a similar chest-drawer full of stuff. Just that when it is time to leave, that gets left behind.

The crazy part of all this is that every single thing in the bags is, more often than not, easily procurable at the destination. Neither have I been to a city which doesn’t sell toothpaste to its travelers nor one which doesn’t have clothes or utensils on offer. Yet instead of carrying along that chest-drawer full of memories, I pack in an umbrella. It is simple practicality that always wins over everything else.

50 kilos of stuff is not much. Not when it is not gold. Not when it is not something as precious as memories. Still when it is time to choose what should go along and what should be left behind, it is the not so precious that wins. We leave many of the things, which mattered, behind hoping that somewhere in our mind, we have made the space for the memory about them and the time associated with them. If all these memories are the sum total of our life and we end up leaving behind some of these memories just like the objects, how much of our life do we end up losing by the time we get to the end of the journey? And how much of it do we really carry beyond? 21 grams doesn’t seem a lot of baggage as a soul. And what do I pack? Does the place where I’ll spend eternity need an umbrella? Will there be a shop round the corner which will sell me the stuff I might need? Do I get to carry on the memories of a lifetime or is there a traveler class distinction that says 21 grams worth of memories only? I can almost hear a ghostly whisper saying, “We are sorry, but only Pharaoh-class travelers are allowed to bring along a pyramid full of stuff.”
We all need memories to remember who we are. Even if eternity or the next birth is supposed to be a clean slate, I do hope that I’ve a big chest-drawer full of memories to leave behind.

--Though it might seem odd, this blog-post is dedicated to my two suitcases, the vessels of the 50 kilos of my life over the numerous trans-Atlantic hops and other travels, holding on to their precious cargo with unwavering grit, at an occasional cost of a wheel or handle and checkered with countless baggage tags, each one as a proof of a journey successfully completed.

10 in 5 months...

Blessed are those who only see one side of the truth. It leaves them with very little to contend within.

Calling you honey is not a term of endearment. It is my way of calling you the excrement of an insect!

Just because you don't fit in doesn't mean you were meant to stand out.

My doc wants me to stay off anything sweet, even sweet dreams.

Reading a book is like getting a tattoo, even if you hate it later, it still identifies you as who you are.

Some times the best thing to do is nothing at all. Knowing those times is the only thing I need to learn.

The only advantage of bullshit is that as it matures, it becomes manure!

The only reason, why I tread an oft trodden path, is because its harder to see the trail of destruction I leave behind!

The reason why reality always wins over illusions is because it pretty much well lasts longer.

The world accepts genius with the same enthusiasm as a 110V bulb accepts being plugged into a 220V source.

Any interaction with me always involves a little bit of Google. It is when I'm doing the Googling, that I enjoy the conversation more than usual.

Because there are no happy endings, just an illusion of the ones which were and the ones which were not.

Bugs are immortal. Programmers unfortunately, arent.

Definitive proof that 136 is less than 36: A pair of 36Ds dangling in front of a IQ: 136...

God probably invented the Devil to hide the fact that life is an autocratic regime!

I reject the concept of religion because it fails to separate faith in God from fear of God.

It is amazing to see how complicated lives people live. I find it hard just to handle the lite version of life itself.

No matter how much you say you are right and I ain't, I know this is the way up and you are standing on your head.

Not all adhesives can hold up against the vagaries of nature and the vagaries of destiny alike.

The mathematics of life doesn't care about the divisor or the quotient, only the remainder

The only thing standing between me and a billion dollars is an idea!

Your manager is like a hot air balloon. Stoke him well, he'll take you to dizzying heights as an underling. But don't forget, you are ballast, the first to be cut when he starts sinking.

Are you a non-vegetarian?

It is fun to see the diversity of cultures when it comes to food. While most of my friends would give me black looks for ordering Chicken Tikka back in India, here that’s considered almost vegetable. And then again, I’ve seen so many give up their ‘errant’ ways and return to being a ‘pure’ vegetarian. So when I am asked, “What are you?” It is always hard to give a straight answer. So for the convenience of my friends spread over the spectrum of gastric tendencies, here’s a handy handle on what’s not vegetarian.
I define consumption anything of animal origin as a definite sign of non-vegetarianism. Going by this postulate, no person in this world is a vegetarian. Not anyone who has, Hindi film-istyle, “aapni maa ka doodh piya hai toh”, claim himself (ok you feminists) or herself to be a vegetarian. Milk is NOT a vegetable. Given that each one of us has in past or the present, guzzled copious amounts of milk, cannot consider one to be a ‘vegetarian’. Also, going by the research I read years ago, if you ever have had chocolate, you have ingested a minimum of 3-4 insect legs. Egregious? Not so far. So having accepted that all are not vegetarians, it’s time to segregate the boys from the men. So here goes.
Class-1 Non-vegetarians : All you whiny lot talking about how vegetables can’t feel (being fried in 400 deg C oil) and don’t bleed (ketchup isn’t red enough for you?). If all you ever lived on was honey (which is again stealing someone’s food) you might excuse yourself from ever having killed or maimed for your own sustenance. Else quietly accept the class-1 designation.
Class-2: These are the ones who think eggs are not ‘meat’ and because most of today’s eggs will never turn into a chick, the most ‘humane’ (sic) way of eating food. Good people to take along for breakfast.
Class 3: Lots of people here so we break it down, but generally, “as long as it moved and not moving now” lot. Note to the Class 1 people: The tomato is very much alive when it enters your mouth as a part of your salad. And being eaten alive is not fun, I guess.
Class 3a: These are people who are ok with the concept of meat but are restricted by religious constraints. That would be the “can’t eat pig”, “can’t eat cow” kind of people. Mildly irritating when all you want to have is steak… medium rare please!
Class 3b: These people only limit their edible species spectrum by taste or medical reasons. You might not really enjoy buffalo tongue because it is too chewy or shellfish because it might send you into an anaphylactic shock. They are fun to be with as long as you know how to plunge an epi-pen straight into the heart.
Class 3c: These are people who don’t believe in religious constraints or don’t follow restrictive religions and are not averse to stuff by taste or medical reasons. They eat anything not alive at the time it enters their mouth. Fun too especially without the epi-pen.
Class 4: The ‘even if it moves lot’: Not an easy group to deal with. But you can make silly faces as they try to gulp down a live octopus that is trying its best to come out of their mouth. The grub eaters also fall into this category. As a kid many of you have been here. Remember the shiny beetle that went into your mouth much to the horror of your momma?
Class 5a: The “I eat my own kind” lot. They are a very dangerous lot to be with. Hannibal Lecter is the most famous representative of this kind. You might get invited for lunch and you might be on the menu. So beware!
Class 5b: This is an interesting lot and a very interesting discovery. In some cultures, the placenta is eaten! It is also considered to have medicinal/nutritional properties. While it is argued that this is same as class 5a, it gets it own category. Oh! by the way, if you ever had the habit of biting your own nails or bit your own tongue hard enough to taste the blood in your mouth, you might consider yourself up here in Class 5b.
That said and done, next time, someone asks, do ensure you talk right about being a ‘vegetarian’ or not. Wear your colors proudly and correctly refer to yourself as a class x non-vegetarian.

The Photographer

An eye behind the lens, that rarely takes stage on the other side. That’s what I consider myself. More often than not, this is because the lens might not capture me as myself but as someone else. And yet again, when a person happily agrees to allow me to click their picture, I sweat. For photography is not about the fanciest camera and perfect subject. It is the window of the mind. And as it opens onto a world that cares less than little for what goes on around it, it has a job to do. In the commonest chaos of life, it sees a pattern, a momentary arrangement of color and an unconscious glance, which it has to capture, untainted by the mind’s own inadequacies, present it in the simplest manner and yet have it tell a story of a thousand words. A story told in a flitting second that stops a person, walking past the picture, right in their tracks and knocking on the window of their souls with a question. A simple question which keeps them going but with a new emotion, a feeling of longing to see what others so easily missed and yet was worth having observed and captured for posterity. And as this feeling grows from person to person, mind to mind, we start to breach the boundaries of our pervasive dogmas and start to see beauty in everything. To do all this, and in the short attention span of the subject, is hard work. But hold, be still, tilt just a little to the left and say, “Cheese!” because, I’m ready to paint that story.

The new batch

The time people take to warm up to me is exceeded only by the it takes me to warm up to them.

I live life on Absolut terms. One part Absolut and three parts water!

I am ready to take life as it comes, but it seems life doesn't want to take me as I come.

You cannot get to the unimaginable technology of the future without imagining it today!

I dont know about your purpose on earth, but I guess mine is just to make up the numbers.

Addiction to substances is best prevented by addiction to the stuff that buys the substances!

Plants remove the nasty CO2 from air. Animals eat plants. Non-vegeterians eat animals. Vegeterians eat plants. Pray tell me who are the better environmentalists?

Whenever a girl says she's looking for character, I hand her a keyboard and leave her to find it herself.

I don't have the answer to every question. Guess God knows I am not Google.

The biggest lie taught by our society is that the good always triumphs. More often than not, it ends up with visitation rights to triumph.