Monday, April 30, 2007

The dirty dozen...

Why? Coz there are twelve of them this time...

Did you ever notice that when you are out with a pretty friend who is just a friend all you see around you are couples? It is like sitting in at a crowded bar and God, the bartender hands you a glass of milk!

Man, you are so dumb that you should do evolution a favor and desist!

Going by your gut's feeling is dangerous... That's the one that makes all the shit!

Clumsiness: A temporary state of behaviour induced by beautiful human objects at close proximity.
Corollary definition: Beauty: State of existence of certain humans (read feminine), the degree of which is directly proportional to the clumsiness of other humans around.

Incompetence: The general state of the world when you are having a really bad day.

The world is your oyster… Kinda sucks when you are allergic to shellfish.

I have a slim waist... it's just hiding behind the spare one I've got around it!

To know your shortcomings is knowledge... to live with them, is wisdom

Fear a man with no reason... for it is reason that spawns the fear of loss... absence of fear means there is nothing to lose... and a man with nothing to lose is the most dangerous of them all...

Someone once said that asking an author about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about a dog... But given the satisfaction of showering a well-meaning lamppost, make me a dog... er.. critic anyday!

Shakespeare said, "The journey ends when lovers meet"... it is then that you suddenly realize that your luggage got sent somewhere else and that you took the wrong train!

I am addicted to change… Can’t you see I am already getting the withdrawal symptoms!

Saturday, April 21, 2007


Just the other day I saw the most voluptious babe around wearing a really nice tee with a message on it... Trust me, I am a sucker for words. If I see something written somewhere, I want to read it. I need to know what is it. Even if it is an instruction on shampoo bottle or the handle on an aircraft door...
btw... Just the other day, I was trying to figure out why they had a huge red arrow saying "Turn this way" and I was attacked and pinned down by a dozen people because they thought I was planning to depressurize the plane... kinda didnt make sense... because I was on the right plane, not part of any 'organization' and... the plane WAS SITTING ON THE TARMAC!
Anyways... I read... not act upon it... How many of you have read the instructions on the shampoo bottle saying "Apply and leave on for few minutes" and then stood in the shower like a clown counting minutes? Even if that message on the tee had read, "Squeeze me", I wouldn't have done that... Its like reading it and then looking for something more to read. Anyways... the message said, "The eyes are up there"
I felt cheated... it was irritating entrapment... I am sure I wouldn't have been staring at her assets if they didn't have that stupid message striped across them... I was so outraged that I felt like sueing the wearer of the tee! Doesn't that qualify as solicitation?
Then it got crazier...
I actually worked my gaze off that message as if heeding to it and looked at her eyes... As if adding insult to my indignation, this lady was actually staring at my head...
Ok, I accept... I have a genetic disposition for evolving... To those unfamiliar to this theory, I am talking about bald people. I don't know why it is called a genetic disorder... We are told that man evolved from apes or similar animals... now look at them... all hairy... and then look at us... loss of hair is an evolutionary trait, NOT A GENETIC DISORDER!
We even have a whole industry dedicated to mimic this evolutionary trait...
I am talking about the 'painful' process of hair removal. Whenever I see one of those models or gal with really smooth hands and legs... I hear a silent scream... I believe the ladies got to be downright insane or really desperate to do that. When Mel Gibson jumps around crazy, in 'What Women Want', after pulling that waxing patch off his leg, I was sure he was in pain... The bigger rip-offs are those nice advertisements about epilators... You see that really hot babe running this innocent looking device over her smooth legs... kind of tempting and pretty simple
thing. But then I had a close encounter with one of these gadgets in a minimart.
I was looking at some keychains hung very next to the beauty aisle and the assistant was explaining how to operate this epilator... Out of curiosity, I was no longer browsing for keychains and was descretly observing these belles struggle with gadget.
Finally they managed to turned it and believe me, this is for all the guys who have not seen an epilator in action, it was like turning on a lawnmover. My eyeballs wanted to come out of their sockets and cover my ears. I almost blurted out, "You
gonna run this over your person? You rather go run under a lawnmover" Guys, if you are going out with someone or already married, and you run your hand over her smooth skin, go get her an extra gift... She's gone through that torture you wouldn't even imagine going through yourself... If you disagree, just try pulling out one of your nose-hairs with your fingers and you will know what I mean.
Alright, back to this babe who was 'ogling' at my evolutionary desposition that is starting to really look good.
It is almost strange. I dont know why people find the balding head as interesting as a beautiful babe's assets... and every now and then you have a weirdo who wants to inspect either manually... IS THAT REAL?
No it is not, I just called my barber a loser while he was giving me a haircut. Give me a break!
I was not very irritated with people who stare at my balding pate. They almost stare it like a child seeing a supermarket Santa for the first time. Or like an extraterrestial researcher bumping into an alien. There's this glint in their eyes which almost is like a question, "Can I touch it?" I was still miffed at the stupid tee message and I wanted to retort back. And I broke the golden rule to check for overzealous boyfriend before messing with a babe... So the last thing that I remember saying before I saw something moving fast and which I later learnt was her boyfriend's oversized fist moving towards me, was,
"Hello... I am down here..."

Friday, April 20, 2007

The closet full of skeletons...

Life’s a closet full of skeletons. Just today I was digging through some documents to find a rebate form and this scrap of paper fell out. It was something that I had penned down a long time ago when the pastures over my head were lush and my heart had an occupant. I was wondering if these were noted from other sources (read plagiarized if I were to put them up here) and so I honestly googled for every single one of them. Not one turned up. Hence assuming that these are original…here they are…

My contribution to humanity? A lot of crap and this quotation!

I don’t know why people talk to me. Given an option I wouldn’t

I like quotations that are funny and humorous. The rest I can write myself anyday.

I know what Java is. I had it for breakfast once.

Disbelievers, by way of distraction, prevent religious believers from clubbing in each others’ heads.

It is not that I never met a girl to fall for. It is just that I never met a girl dumb enough to fall for me!

Save Petrol! So that someone else can waste it!

Only difference between a restaurant and a marriage is that you can’t say, “ I’ll have what he’s having!” in marriage.

Strong disagreement usually springs from inner agreement to the disagreeable opinion

Is it worth dying for? I don’t know. I have never died for anything before.

Why do people cheer at a lame man trying to run while they laugh at a fat man trying the same?

The most powerful people of their time? Historians, because they write the history.

I would admire your guts. Especially if they were laid out on an autopsy table.

Life is a funny bumper sticker on a car which you are too busy trying to overtake.

Humanity is too messed up an operation to be attributed to the divine entity called God.

I don’t mind you not laughing at my jokes. You need to have a level of IQ for that.