The Photographer

An eye behind the lens, that rarely takes stage on the other side. That’s what I consider myself. More often than not, this is because the lens might not capture me as myself but as someone else. And yet again, when a person happily agrees to allow me to click their picture, I sweat. For photography is not about the fanciest camera and perfect subject. It is the window of the mind. And as it opens onto a world that cares less than little for what goes on around it, it has a job to do. In the commonest chaos of life, it sees a pattern, a momentary arrangement of color and an unconscious glance, which it has to capture, untainted by the mind’s own inadequacies, present it in the simplest manner and yet have it tell a story of a thousand words. A story told in a flitting second that stops a person, walking past the picture, right in their tracks and knocking on the window of their souls with a question. A simple question which keeps them going but with a new emotion, a feeling of longing to see what others so easily missed and yet was worth having observed and captured for posterity. And as this feeling grows from person to person, mind to mind, we start to breach the boundaries of our pervasive dogmas and start to see beauty in everything. To do all this, and in the short attention span of the subject, is hard work. But hold, be still, tilt just a little to the left and say, “Cheese!” because, I’m ready to paint that story.

The new batch

The time people take to warm up to me is exceeded only by the it takes me to warm up to them.

I live life on Absolut terms. One part Absolut and three parts water!

I am ready to take life as it comes, but it seems life doesn't want to take me as I come.

You cannot get to the unimaginable technology of the future without imagining it today!

I dont know about your purpose on earth, but I guess mine is just to make up the numbers.

Addiction to substances is best prevented by addiction to the stuff that buys the substances!

Plants remove the nasty CO2 from air. Animals eat plants. Non-vegeterians eat animals. Vegeterians eat plants. Pray tell me who are the better environmentalists?

Whenever a girl says she's looking for character, I hand her a keyboard and leave her to find it herself.

I don't have the answer to every question. Guess God knows I am not Google.

The biggest lie taught by our society is that the good always triumphs. More often than not, it ends up with visitation rights to triumph.

Confession of a Mass Murderer

She looked at me with a steely stare. She knew there was nowhere to run. I had her cornered. Had I not been blinded by my staid resolution to kill her, I’d have probably noticed if it was something different. It could have been a gaze filled with a plea for mercy or a gaze of defiance. Either ways she would have found no mercy and her defiance was of little deterrence to me. As she cowered trying to shield her children, I took aim and fired. Unfortunately for her it was not a quick death. As she lay on her back, gasping for air, her children ran for cover. I didn’t expect much resistance from them. Having never been out in the world on their own, they had been taught only to do one thing in case of danger. And that would be to run to their mother. They had never been taught what to do in case their mother was dead, as she was now. I took my time, methodically, bringing down one after another. Unlike their mother, there was not much struggle for life. They went down quickly. After having killed the last one, I realized I had to cover my tracks. So I dragged each one over to the drain hole and dropped them into it. It took some time but I was done.
I thought I was done with the act, but I remembered that it was necessary to check for inadvertent witnesses to the crime. I looked around. To my horror, I saw my soon to-be wife standing some distance away. It was obvious from her position, that she had been witness to the whole heinous act. I looked at her with a guilty look as a hundred questions rose into a tumultuous blizzard of emotions. Would she accept me after having witnessed what I had just done? Would she feel safe to bear me children after what she had just seen me mercilessly slaughter the innocent infants? If not, would she turn witness against me? Did I need to silence her too?
As I stood mute, overwhelmed by the thoughts, she walked over to me and said, “Thank you honey. You know how much I hate them!” With those words, all my fears were laid to rest. I didn’t have a witness to my act I had an accomplice. And I would never be arraigned for it. As for justice for the family, I don’t think there has been any recorded instance in the history of mankind, that a man has been convicted for killing cockroaches!

P.S. : Fictional...

Betwixt a job and a book...

As long as there is land and man to walk upon it, there will be strife to possess it.

Awe and genuine surprise are essential for vitality. If nothing amazes you, you are all but dead.

Every nation can sling something at its enemy.That 'something' being muck or missiles determines the efficacy of its message and intent.

Everyone has a right to be a jerk. Its the ones, who make it their duty, I dislike

Her love for me was a benign growth easily plucked out. Too bad mine for her metastasized.

I code, therefore I am... programmer!

I've learnt nothing from life because I never learned how to learn from life.

Life so far: All gall no glory

Stressed spelled backward is desserts. When combined, they annihilate each other in a burst of
pure happiness!

The greatest human weakness is that we can be convinced too easily to kill or be killed for the flimsiest cause.

The only complaint against the computer age is that it removes the simple age old distinction of black and white, the bad and good, turning it into a 24-bit grayscale with 8 bits of transparency.

What's wrong with the world? Its spinning... How do you expect humans to think straight with all that spinning...

You are like a single malt whiskey, classy, smooth and unique. I guess God just wants to play the master blender with us here :-)

Your love is like a breeze of fresh air. Too bad, my gills can't stand it.

Being Icy Cool

There comes many a time in your life when you try to burst forth from the drabness of reality into a world of literary fantasy...
I did too... and the result was a book... an effort 2 years in writing... and another 2 years in publishing...
So without much ado... here's "Being Icy Cool" my maiden novel...
It's a worded picture of a collegian's life, his fears and aspirations, victories and failures, not held together by the glue of slapstick humor but possibly poignant contemplation of the smallest emotion in comparison to the vastness of everything around it...
Read more about it at: http://abek42.blogspot.com/

The dozen that took a 100 days (almost)

Tolerance is a virtue when exercised in moderation.

Howz life? Like an electron between the 's' and 'p' shells.

Life is a one way street with a dead end!

Every great man has failed once. But it is not a sufficient condition for greatness.

Life of a corporate... tottering 1,2,3... a perfect 10 and then chapter 11!
(on Lehmann's collapse)

She found happiness in the 'e'.. guess she was the true mathematician!

The stock exchange of life rates me as a sleeper scrip...

I agree that everything science tells us is wrong. But I strongly disagree that it can be attributed to the current concept of god.

The problem with today's world is that there is too little incentive to be good and too few consequences of being bad.

God may be in the business of running the Universe. But I'm willing to bet he's not into quality control.

So... is it time to buy guns, gold, bullets, canned food and water? Maybe not... but surely go lookup the places where you can buy those in a hurry!
(on the current financial crisis)

I am involved in a big study on the effects of exercise... I am the control group!

Tryst with ignominy

Three score and a year more ago we made a tryst with destiny, redeeming a pledge to will for a nation conceived on the principles of democracy and equality of men and their religion. At the stroke of the hour, when the world watches, India awakens not to freedom and life, but to its darkest hour as a test. It is a test that others have stood through and barely passed before us. A test of whether a nation, so conceived on ideals can long endure the vagaries of human vice like the greed for power. It is a test for a nation to endure thus and still stand true to its commitment of common good by a handful few. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, where we bear mute witness, the end of an age where the keepers of the bastions of the nation were dedicated to its upkeep, and watch hapless as the soul of a nation, thought to be free, finds suppression without remonstrance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment we take the pledge of dedication to ensure that the keepers of our nation’s bastions are in their basest interests only dedicated to the service of the country and her people, free of hunger of power or money, unhindered by their prejudices and aligned without question to the only cause of our nation’s progress.

We need not meet on a battlefield of a war fought amongst us or against invaders, for this battle is to be fought in our hearts and minds. The brave men, living or dead, who struggled to achieve our nation’s freedom, have consecrated with blood and sweat this nation, far above our poor judgment of selecting the people to lead it forward. The world will little note, nor long remember what is said here, but it can never forget what they did. It is for us, the people of the nation, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to remind ourselves of the unending quest of a nation through trackless centuries to strive in face of countless odds, emerging victorious or failing, yet never losing sight of the quest or lay down the ideals of peace, equality and oneness with nature, which are her strengths.

In a global arena, we stand at the start of a period of ill fortune, wrought with problems of poverty, population, global warming, energy crisis and inflation. These problems are not the result of divine wrath upon humanity, but brought upon ourselves by our thoughtless pursuits suiting our selfish interests and behavior contrary to our ideals. This should provoke us to will the end of this era and rediscover ourselves as individuals capable of doing the right thing, to be wanting to awaken our real conscience and no longer take pride in the ability to break the rules and get away with it. And so listening to it, we strive forth not alone, willing others to fall behind, but as one state, one country, hand in hand, towards the quest laid down by the founders of this great nation. The achievement of such unity will only be a step, an opening of opportunity, to the greater triumphs and achievements that await us.

Are we brave enough and wise enough to grasp this opportunity and accept the challenge of the future? The service to India no longer means the service of the millions who suffer. It is no longer prudent to aim to wipe every tear from every eye. It is a larger effort of uplifting each one and in the process, each mind, to want to not bring a single tear to any eye. We need to labor and work hard, walk a path potholed with our own desires, asking us to shy away from sacrifice for a greater good, asking us to be morally weak just because someone else was too. And yet we may falter, succumb to our inborn weakness momentarily, we need to remind ourselves to rise above it and make amends.

Let us not give to the future generation the reason to add from our generation people to the ranks of Jaichands and Mir Jaffers and instead rejoice in the fact that we as a generation went on to rebuild the foundation of a nation aimed at becoming the most revered nation that led and not just aimed to lead the progress of humanity. Once committed to such a cause, let us remind ourselves to purge ourselves of the sins committed by putting the future of our nation into the hands of people who believe not in its progress but only their own. Let us ensure that we do not rejoice the existence of a government and its opposition who hold amongst their ranks convicted criminals. Let us not rejoice in the fact that scammers are in charge of the decisions that affect the progress of a nation. Let us not rejoice in the fact that the leaders we elect are ones who only espouse the cause of fragmentation of the nation by creed or language or caste, or those who hold dear the progress of a community instead of the whole nation. Let us for once put the ‘we’ before the ‘me’. Let us awaken to a future we would promise to the future children of this nation.

Only when we start on this arduous journey, shall we hallow our respect for the ones who gave the last full measure of devotion to this nation and thus solemnly resolve that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not only not perish from the earth, but shall be the greatest one ever conceived.

P.S. This 'speech' is totally inspired from the 'Tryst with destiny' speech by Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru and the 'Gettysburg Address' by Abraham Lincoln and is a result of the events that unfolded in the hallowed portals of the Parliament on and before 22nd July 2008.

Wondering 2050

Ever got that feeling? The one wherein you say something and instantly know that it is going to turn out the other way? I get it all the time. The most recent one was this Friday. While leaving early, (6pm is early by my standards) I was listing the benefits of bus travel to a colleague. The fact that I get the same seat every time and I can book just days in advance flew fine. Then there was the detail about the bus completing the 486 km Mumbai-Ahmadabad journey in 9 hours. Something in my mind tingled, a mark of an ill omen, soon forgotten. So when the bus started at 11pm, 2 hours late, I gave the in-bus movie a pass in exchange for some much needed sleep. So this article is not about ‘De Taali’ (a few scenes of Ms. Takia cooking something, strangely did register in my mind, more because they seemed too unreal)

Beep! Beep! 6:00 a.m. seemed determined to break through my sleep. Just in time to see the Volvo bus hit the Ahmadabad-Baroda expressway. The Volvo bus makes short work of this 100 km stretch, so it is fun to watch. I have the ‘cockpit seat', so the only thing, that I always catch myself waiting for, is a takeoff. Sadly Boeing 747s need to get to at least 180 km/h to do that and Volvo buses don’t seem to fly. I looked out of my window to check the NHAI signboards. None were around. Instead a tiny milestone said, ‘Rajpipla 59 km’

The jet engines, waiting for take-off in my mind, ground to a painfully screeching halt. “Where the hell is Rajpipla?” 4th standard geography kicking in, (yeah, I probably am 'Panchvi Pass'that was a town 100 km due south of Baroda. Ahmadabad is 100 km due north of Baroda. The driver confirmed. Somewhere in the night, they found that there was a big traffic jam on the regular route. A traffic jam, that is 22 km long, is certainly a big jam. So here I was on an unfamiliar 2 lane road instead of the 6 lane expressway and a movie to contend with. This time it turned out to be 'Love Story 2050'

Let me be forthcoming. I am not a Hindi movie fan. After ‘Saavariya’, which I would recommend as an excellent torture device, I steer clear of Hindi movies. Still the sci-fi fan, the concept of a futuristic love-story (sic) had its attraction. I knew what the story was. Guy and girl fall in love in present day. Girl gets bumped off; guy teleports to future; finds the girl’s clone and falls in love all over. Pretty boring. I thought the sci-fi would make it interesting. So I watch on. Starting is pretty slow. Then we get to the boy meets girl. He sings a song. ‘Woo you’- ‘woo me’ sequences follow. My mind screams, “Can we get onto the sci-fi part? Hello? Ever heard of the fast-forward button?” Nope. This still continues. I get distracted. I look out. I spy a sign. ‘Rajpipla 42 km’ The movie is slow, so is my journey. Then I notice something else. The milestone also says, 'SH-64'. State Highway? You call a 1½ lane bumpy road a State highway? I cringe. Powers Ferry road in Atlanta is 3 lanes at worst and better surfaced. I don’t even start thinking about the I-285 and I-75 Interstates. These are 2050 A.D. away.

That brings me back to the movie. Still there is nothing. The song and dance sequences continue. Can the girl capitulate please? And get onto the part where she dies? Then something outside catches my attention. The road meanders into a village. There’s a cart. But this one is different. The ones I am used to seeing, in the semi-rural locality that I grew up in, are ones with neoprene truck tires. This one has wooden wheels. Then another one appears. Last I saw these, was when I went to a rural themed restaurant. I wonder if I just did a ‘Back to the Future – 3’ to be teleported back in time. But we were not doing 88 mph on that road. No way we could have gone that fast. Then we passed a group of small school children. They waved and whistled at the bus as if it was a stranger to their part of the region. Back to the movie, the girl is still alive. Is this movie about 2050 or 2008? But then Boman Irani is introduced. Wearing a ridiculously funny wig, he does a bad imitation of Doc Brown from ‘Back to the Future’. I silently run the second movie in my head, till we finally get to the point where we are almost at Rajpipla and its time for the gal to die.

It is time for a 'Physics+medical' lesson for the story writers. A bus (or dumpster if that what it was) travelling at a velocity enough to kill a person will always cause a good amount of external injuries. If I recall correctly, the gal dies an unimaginably badly acted death (sorry P.C., need to do better!) It was so bad, that the VCD player decided to strangle itself and died too. I guess there are other things than Vogon poetry that can kill a machine and I just had discovered one.

Luckily that spared the rest of us from the movie’s actual sci-fi part. Apparently, they did copy 'Back to the Future-2' to end up in the future. It is said that copying from one source is plagiarism. From multiple sources is research. So yes, the people who made this film deserve an A- for research. An F for the report though. Basing my understanding of the sci-fi from the song cuts and movie trailers that I saw, they decided to copy 'The Fifth Element' Note to the casting team. Mila Jovovich is Mila Jovovich. When she is cast as the red head Leeloo, she looks fantastic. P.C. doesn’t even come close. Also, New York 2263 A.D. is not Mumbai 2050 A.D. And we are not going to see flying cars, except if they are flying off the flyovers. But we are doing that already!

The robot friends of the latter day gal are mindlessly culled from other flicks. AI’s brown teddy looks cute. The pink one looks like a cheap Chinese imitation with lead based paints. Did that actually cause the red-head syndrome? The other robots look straight out of 'The Day the Earth Stood Still', the 1951 version. And I was talking about Gort not Klaatu. You would have seen it if you watched ‘Independence Day’ (the kid was watching the movie inside the RV). Bicentennial man was better rendered and it was Robin Williams behind the mask.

Frankly put, I have seen Indian television come up with better sci-fi way back in late 1980s. Those of you who remember ‘Space Station Sigma’, (yeah, it was a Star Trek rip-off, but a better worked out one) had way better robots. Oh also ‘Indradhanush’ had better stories of time travel than LS2050. Next time Bollywood wants to do a sci-fi flick, please take out the time to move out of the Film city and trek to IIT Mumbai across the Powai Lake. Spend a few hours in their first year hostels. They will give you better designs of robots than the clank-jobs you came up with. And yes, theirs’ will be remote operated with a full facial expressions suite.

Back to the road, a torturous journey completed, we finally head out of Baroda with signs saying, ‘Ahmedabad-Baroda Expressway 1 km’. The jet engines in my mind start rolling again. As for the movie, (since it is customary to rate it with stars), just go pick as many you want from the ones the viewers would have seen after stepping out of the movie theatre. The last thing you are going to see in Mumbai 2050 is a flying car. Fortunately there won’t be any reporters reporting that 2050 is here yet the redhead star with a stupid pink teddy isn’t. That is better left to the Orwellian 1984. Fortunately, Leeloo would be another 113 years into the future then. Else she’d have not bought into Korben Dallas’ words that ‘Love is worth saving’ Not after Love Story 2050. Or maybe she’d have just slapped P.C. and the makeup artists saying, “Senno Ekto Gamat” (“Never without my permission”)

Existing if not alive...

With time being dedicated to my next book coupled by a crappy net connection, there have been very few updates... to make it to ten... so here they are:

Hope floats. But it makes a really lousy lifejacket

I excel at perfect imperfection.

Work, to me, is like an insanely beautiful woman. No matter how much I am tired, I can still do them.

Tolerance is a virtue only when exercised in moderation.

Most of the world's problems just need a little Google

Life is, at most times, a Potemkin village.

I don't mind people telling me that something better is in store for me. What I do mind is them not telling me which store it is in!

God has something better in store for me and I can't help imagine that he's probably searching for the keys to it.

Are you sure that language is supposed to simplify communication? With 555,000 words in English and 40,000 characters in Chinese, I think the objective of languages is to confound and not to communicate.

Can a hypochondriac claim to have hypochondria?

Man, I am so hungry that if you threw a horse past me, not even its tail would make it across!

p.s. In case you noticed... yes, second book... the first one could see the light of the published day someday... maybe not today...

A quicker run upto these 10...

How's life shaping up? Like an amoeba!

Ego? I have a ton of it. But since it weighs a ton, I mostly leave it at home.

Don't mind it if this doesn't sound acerbic enough. My sarcasm cartridge is running low on toner.

What would I ask if I was face to face with God? I'd ask for a refund!

I hate the present... the past coz it has been present and the future coz it is going to be present ...

Whoever said I need chicken soup for the soul? I'll settle for chocolate!

Work is like shit. It always pays to dispose it off quickly.

What remains when one dies? With the vessel of his existence returned to the elements, the sum total of all his interactions with those around him is all that remains ingrained in multitudes of memories. Like a grain of sand in the oyster, a pained presence blessed by fortune that lingers on to become a pearl, a gem to be gazed upon and passed down the generations, each adding a veneer of myth till it no longer resembles the original self. Yet again just a grain of sand, more oft than not forgotten, amongst the innumerable grains that the crumbling rock of life gives up against relentless sea of time.

My grip on reality is tenous, more oft than not almost non-existent

It's not about who will cry when you die... but who will smile while you live.

As if it matters...

Lotsa crap going around... that I lost track of time...

so here's the new set albiet only after nearly 3 months:

I learn from my bad experinces only. I don't expect others to make the right mistakes!

Believing in miracles is like believing that God bets on you while cheating at dice.

I'd run the Marathon... if only they were to drop the 'k' out of it.

Relativity is not about how fast time flies. It is about how fast the mind sees it fly.

I dont rely on hope... I rely on the mathematical equivalent of it... probability!

I am not entirely faithful to reality. I sleep with dreams almost every other night!

Happiness has a very very short half-life

Instincts? If I were to live by those, I'd have become extinct long ago!

The equation of life, differentiated time and again, has no constants. So my friend, lets try and integrate!

Albert Einstein came up with the famous equation: E=mc^2 while he was working as a patent office clerk. That means he was slacking off at his real job. Seems like there's a lesson to be learnt in this.

I ponder the philosophy of a single drop whilst the ocean of knowledge passes me by…

The Womanabri Code

This was just one online battles that was fought between a chat friend and me... Gave me an idea of writing down the 'insightful' things that I got to learn from lots of friends around me... So here goes... this will be updated as the time/people give me more to write about:


Women 101: Rule 1: God is a woman. Hence there's a chance of forgiveness for your sins... if God was man... he'd just forget it!

Women 101: Rule 21: Silence... the most abrasive material in her arsenal

Women 101: Rule 31: Money is never an issue except inside the GAP store, right in front of the top that beats the one her neighbor bought yesterday

Women 101: Rule 32: Women are invulnerable. Except when you have a deadline to beat and the last thing, you have time for, is to reassure them.

Women 101: Rule 33: Nothing: The most dangerous word in a woman's dictionary which means everything else but "Nothing"!

Women 101: Rule 34: Even if the garage door was not open when she tried to put the car into the garage, it still is your fault!

Women 101: Rule 35: Men have vices that need to be rectified. Women just have virtues with scope for improvement, less often than not.

Women 101: Rule 41: Every compliment has a negative connotation!

Women 101: Rule 51: "Sorry" and "Please" are expected as punctuation marks in a man's vocabulary

Women 101: Rule 52: Their tears... the most powerful force known to mankind

Women 101: Rule 53: Never praise one specimen's cooking in front of another.

Women 101: Rule 54: They think they are a deep mystery... Actually it is just bad programming…

Gets better...

Less than 1.5 months to create 22 quotes... that's pretty good...
Here's the 10 unrelated ones...

God created man... Then he created woman... after that they could never stop debugging the code…

Good times don't last. Neither do good people.

I never claim that I am the good guy. I know that I am just different.

If artificial means man-made, then isn't every man artificial?

Law of Averages states that if you have had a good morning, the rest of the day will be crappy.

Life is a democracy. Not everyone, who gets elected, is the right choice.

They say love is blind and then they expect you to fall in love at first sight?

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus... and they should never have come to Earth!

Never mess with a man holding a knife. Especially if he's your surgeon!

People battered by life tend to become better or bitter. The latter more often than not.

The longest yard yet...

Almost two months for 10 more lines... this is getting really bad.

I err, I fail, I fall behind... Maybe it is alright... In the end, we all cross the finish line.

Life's not a bed of roses. It is more like..."here's the soil, here's the showel and here are the seeds... now get working!"

Life.... shouldnt be rocket science!

Dream big, achieve bigger, settle for only the biggest!

Epiphanies are God's way of playing shrink with you!

I'll have Life... Shaken not stirred!

The destination is gonna be pretty disappointing... so make the most of the journey!

There is no such thing as a soulmate. It is just a marketing gimmick.

Things always go your way... it's just that at times they go faster than you!

The sun is always rising somewhere in the world... that means there is some lousy bum hammering the snooze button on his alarm clock right now...

Writer's block

That's what I've been going thru... With nothing worthwhile penned for almost 2 months... this is the longest it has been... Here's the latest 10... (last one is not original)

I always thought that there was something out there trying to get me... They just found a name for it... It is called delusion

I was having a good day till the 'd' dropped out of it!

I start every day with a ‘g’ and a ‘d’, but it takes you to make it a good day!

Living life in the "what else" clause...

An eye in the land of the blind is a disease

Ever felt for a mayfly born on a rainy day? No? Then you just experienced what God feels about you.

Life hits at 3600 secs/hour and not one gets away alive!

The brain is smart... by calling it 'matters of the heart'... it absolves itself of all the mess it creates...

Life in all its glory is just simulated reality

I am on a see-food diet these days... I see food and I eat it - Anon

Another one on Senseless Adsense...

Here's one that should make you think that someone out there has gone loco!

I was tinkering around with the results and noticed that the ad-bar would always say that the very thing, I was looking for, was available on eBay. So I started thinking... what else I could look for... ( "boss whipper", "work eraser", "brains", "soul" etc etc... seemed to naive...) I wanted something big... something like ... WMD!

So I put the phrase in... twiddled my thumbs... lo and behold! eBay has it!!!

Just to see if they stood true to their promise... I decided to click the link...

and OMG!!!

eBay has 19 results!!!

Looks like the world is going to hell in an e-shopping basket!!!

Hope you had a good laugh too...

Context sensitive?

Here's when the contextual sensitivity of our advertisers goes over the board...

I never heard of Ruskin Bond doing any jail time... [:)]
and I do know what Jail bonds are...

The dirty dozen...

Why? Coz there are twelve of them this time...

Did you ever notice that when you are out with a pretty friend who is just a friend all you see around you are couples? It is like sitting in at a crowded bar and God, the bartender hands you a glass of milk!

Man, you are so dumb that you should do evolution a favor and desist!

Going by your gut's feeling is dangerous... That's the one that makes all the shit!

Clumsiness: A temporary state of behaviour induced by beautiful human objects at close proximity.
Corollary definition: Beauty: State of existence of certain humans (read feminine), the degree of which is directly proportional to the clumsiness of other humans around.

Incompetence: The general state of the world when you are having a really bad day.

The world is your oyster… Kinda sucks when you are allergic to shellfish.

I have a slim waist... it's just hiding behind the spare one I've got around it!

To know your shortcomings is knowledge... to live with them, is wisdom

Fear a man with no reason... for it is reason that spawns the fear of loss... absence of fear means there is nothing to lose... and a man with nothing to lose is the most dangerous of them all...

Someone once said that asking an author about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about a dog... But given the satisfaction of showering a well-meaning lamppost, make me a dog... er.. critic anyday!

Shakespeare said, "The journey ends when lovers meet"... it is then that you suddenly realize that your luggage got sent somewhere else and that you took the wrong train!

I am addicted to change… Can’t you see I am already getting the withdrawal symptoms!

Funny?

Just the other day I saw the most voluptious babe around wearing a really nice tee with a message on it... Trust me, I am a sucker for words. If I see something written somewhere, I want to read it. I need to know what is it. Even if it is an instruction on shampoo bottle or the handle on an aircraft door...
btw... Just the other day, I was trying to figure out why they had a huge red arrow saying "Turn this way" and I was attacked and pinned down by a dozen people because they thought I was planning to depressurize the plane... kinda didnt make sense... because I was on the right plane, not part of any 'organization' and... the plane WAS SITTING ON THE TARMAC!
Anyways... I read... not act upon it... How many of you have read the instructions on the shampoo bottle saying "Apply and leave on for few minutes" and then stood in the shower like a clown counting minutes? Even if that message on the tee had read, "Squeeze me", I wouldn't have done that... Its like reading it and then looking for something more to read. Anyways... the message said, "The eyes are up there"
I felt cheated... it was irritating entrapment... I am sure I wouldn't have been staring at her assets if they didn't have that stupid message striped across them... I was so outraged that I felt like sueing the wearer of the tee! Doesn't that qualify as solicitation?
Then it got crazier...
I actually worked my gaze off that message as if heeding to it and looked at her eyes... As if adding insult to my indignation, this lady was actually staring at my head...
Ok, I accept... I have a genetic disposition for evolving... To those unfamiliar to this theory, I am talking about bald people. I don't know why it is called a genetic disorder... We are told that man evolved from apes or similar animals... now look at them... all hairy... and then look at us... loss of hair is an evolutionary trait, NOT A GENETIC DISORDER!
We even have a whole industry dedicated to mimic this evolutionary trait...
I am talking about the 'painful' process of hair removal. Whenever I see one of those models or gal with really smooth hands and legs... I hear a silent scream... I believe the ladies got to be downright insane or really desperate to do that. When Mel Gibson jumps around crazy, in 'What Women Want', after pulling that waxing patch off his leg, I was sure he was in pain... The bigger rip-offs are those nice advertisements about epilators... You see that really hot babe running this innocent looking device over her smooth legs... kind of tempting and pretty simple
thing. But then I had a close encounter with one of these gadgets in a minimart.
I was looking at some keychains hung very next to the beauty aisle and the assistant was explaining how to operate this epilator... Out of curiosity, I was no longer browsing for keychains and was descretly observing these belles struggle with gadget.
Finally they managed to turned it and believe me, this is for all the guys who have not seen an epilator in action, it was like turning on a lawnmover. My eyeballs wanted to come out of their sockets and cover my ears. I almost blurted out, "You
gonna run this over your person? You rather go run under a lawnmover" Guys, if you are going out with someone or already married, and you run your hand over her smooth skin, go get her an extra gift... She's gone through that torture you wouldn't even imagine going through yourself... If you disagree, just try pulling out one of your nose-hairs with your fingers and you will know what I mean.
Alright, back to this babe who was 'ogling' at my evolutionary desposition that is starting to really look good.
It is almost strange. I dont know why people find the balding head as interesting as a beautiful babe's assets... and every now and then you have a weirdo who wants to inspect either manually... IS THAT REAL?
No it is not, I just called my barber a loser while he was giving me a haircut. Give me a break!
I was not very irritated with people who stare at my balding pate. They almost stare it like a child seeing a supermarket Santa for the first time. Or like an extraterrestial researcher bumping into an alien. There's this glint in their eyes which almost is like a question, "Can I touch it?" I was still miffed at the stupid tee message and I wanted to retort back. And I broke the golden rule to check for overzealous boyfriend before messing with a babe... So the last thing that I remember saying before I saw something moving fast and which I later learnt was her boyfriend's oversized fist moving towards me, was,
"Hello... I am down here..."

The closet full of skeletons...

Life’s a closet full of skeletons. Just today I was digging through some documents to find a rebate form and this scrap of paper fell out. It was something that I had penned down a long time ago when the pastures over my head were lush and my heart had an occupant. I was wondering if these were noted from other sources (read plagiarized if I were to put them up here) and so I honestly googled for every single one of them. Not one turned up. Hence assuming that these are original…here they are…

My contribution to humanity? A lot of crap and this quotation!

I don’t know why people talk to me. Given an option I wouldn’t

I like quotations that are funny and humorous. The rest I can write myself anyday.

I know what Java is. I had it for breakfast once.

Disbelievers, by way of distraction, prevent religious believers from clubbing in each others’ heads.

It is not that I never met a girl to fall for. It is just that I never met a girl dumb enough to fall for me!

Save Petrol! So that someone else can waste it!

Only difference between a restaurant and a marriage is that you can’t say, “ I’ll have what he’s having!” in marriage.

Strong disagreement usually springs from inner agreement to the disagreeable opinion

Is it worth dying for? I don’t know. I have never died for anything before.

Why do people cheer at a lame man trying to run while they laugh at a fat man trying the same?

The most powerful people of their time? Historians, because they write the history.

I would admire your guts. Especially if they were laid out on an autopsy table.

Life is a funny bumper sticker on a car which you are too busy trying to overtake.

Humanity is too messed up an operation to be attributed to the divine entity called God.

I don’t mind you not laughing at my jokes. You need to have a level of IQ for that.